How Quickly Things Change....

I feel like my life has turned into a really long field trip to Six Flags or something; only my mother didn't sign my consent form that it was okay for me to go. We are on a rollercoaster and today it feels like there is no end in sight.
Sometimes it is so intense in the NICU I feel like I am in the ninth grade again going upside down on that awful spaceship ride, with Bran sitting beside me telling me to think about something else. I hate rides that go upside down, but the other mat maids talked me into it; and made me sing a song to take my mind off of the vomit in my throat. It is all I can do to not just run screaming out of the hospital. Then, other days it is so quiet, I feel like I should get the little asian ladies to give me a mani and pedi right there in the NICU.
I know what you're thinking. I haven't gone off the edge people. I'm just reflecting on how quickly everything has changed. Ryan would say this is way too dramatic and I need to just suck it up. He's right, and I've done just that for three weeks...and right now just needed to put this out there. Somedays are not fun. They told us that from the beginning. In general, the NICU is not exactly a fun place. No matter how sweet, caring, or funny the nurses try to make it.

So what happened? First, as the nurse practitioner told me on the phone this morning: "Elsie is okay." Yesterday was a big day. Elsie moved up to half an ounce (HALF AN OUNCE PEOPLE!) of milk. They also took out her "pic line." New vocabulary word for you, folks. As the consent form so aptly explained, a pic line is used for long term IV therapy. Essentially it is an IV that they can leave in for any amount of time, as long as it does not become compromised in some way. This is a big deal because Elsie received a pic line on day eight of her life to supplement the breast milk with essential vitamins, lipids, and other IV liquids. Now that she has increased to half and ounce of milk she will receive all of her sustenance from the breast milk. How awesome is that? Definitely a big deal, and the nurse practitioner was almost excited as I was about it.
Then she had several BRADYs where she would start back breathing after I stimulated her, but then she would not continue breathing on her own. So much so, that I only got to hold her for 45 minutes until the nurse decided she probably needed to go back into her isolette. Sad.
Today, I received a phone call at 6:45 am that Elsie needed to start antibiotics. Basically, she had a really "ugly episode" last night where she would not continue to breathing on her own and they had to "bag her." So this means that they had to breathe for her with the little mask/bag until she came back and would breathe on her own.
According to the nurse practitioner, this could have been due to a reflux that caused her to aspirate. They did an X-ray on her lungs to make sure they were okay, and they are. Another culprit could be her belly. Her belly has always been a little more rounded than they would like. But she continues to digest her food well, is stooling, her stomach is soft, and sounds great. So no worries there; except, since her stomach is a little large then it could be pushing up on her lungs and making it hard for her to breathe.
Another cause could be an infection. They are always worried about infections in babys this small. So to be safe they did blood work and her blood counts were low (for her). To be proactive in the event she may have an infection they are giving her antibiotics for the next 48 hours.
THEN while I was doing my skin to skin today she had another really bad episode. So much so that they had to suction her mouth so her oxygenation levels would come back up, and get her to sleep on her side instead of her stomach while she was laying on me. I cannot explain how it feels to hold your child and see them stop breathing, and not be able to get them to start again.
So she is not having a good day today. If she continues with these episodes they will want to put a tube back in her throat to help her breathe. As my always positive thinking mother in law said "well, and that's okay, at least then you'll know she is breathing." Truer words could not have been spoken and that was exactly what I needed to hear.
It's okay to have good days and bad days. She's still only 31 weeks gestational age. Two pounds, two ounces. That is still extremely tiny and really premature. It just hearts my heart to think about my daughter in the NICU without me, and not being able to breathe so much that they have to do it for her.
So to cheer myself up I took Rudy for a walk and watched the kiddies ride their bikes home from the elementary school down the street. How sweet is that? Somedays I swear we live in Mayberry. Right now I can hear someone's child practicing the clarinet. They need the practice, it sounds like. One day Elsie will ride her pink Barbie bike to school, and play golf with Ryan. Then beg me for a mani/pedi of her own.
Let me also be clear: Elsie is doing okay. She is doing better than other babies in the NICU. I understand it could be a lot worse. God is awesome and has blessed us thus far. We thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers.
It's just that today was not good, and I needed to vent. Rudy can only take so much...

Love y'all,
Ellen